A Chapter From My Memoirs

When I was in the first year of secondary school, I still had not gone through puberty. Despite my unarguably beautiful eyes and luscious bottom lip, secondary school rules dictated that the most physically developed students were the most attractive and worthy of attention from the opposite sex, so girls werent into me like that.

The coolest boys in my year all hit puberty and hung out with each other. There were around eight of them and you could not separate them. They all began cycling to school together, eating together and loitering in town together. The hottest girls in the year fawned over them because of how much hairier/smellier they were than the average kid (the main member Thomas, boasted the fact that he needed deodorant and would pity me for not smelling as horrible as him).

The crew grew so close they eventually named their posse, dubbing it: The Bloods. Despite the fact that a gang with said name already existed, the origin of this gang’s name was derived from their love for The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ record Blood Sugar Sex Magic. They adored that album, it was the soundtrack to their teenage lives. The Bloods would get shirtless during break, lock arms and scream the lyrics to “Under the Bridge” as school girls (years 7-10) blushed/squirted every time one of their voices cracked.

Everyday after school, The Bloods would go to a sandwich bar in my town called Little Olive and consume 2-foot subs with their impressive pubescent appetites. Eventually, The Bloods made a strict dress code statement, only wearing Little Olive t-shirts for every group appearance. Girls would watch them devour their sandwiches and get burped on as other members of the Bloods wrestled on the pavement. Having limited options (and crushes on all the girls that crushed on them) I’d usually hang out and watch the natural order of things occur.

Though I was one good terms with some of them in previous years, they had all grown into oily, sweaty werewolf boys and I was still a innocent hairless cherub. My physical inadequacies made it obvious (to both them and me) that I would never make it into The Bloods. As I mentioned, there were about 8 or so members BUT if a person were interested in joining the gang, there was one rite of passage: You had to be able to masturbate.

The Bloods were so tantalized by their brand new penises that they took every possible opportunity to pull them out and jerk off (indoors or outdoors) but only in front of other guys. I recall hanging out at a park skateboarding when one of them - Jamie - pulled out a porno mag and Thomas said “SiCk! Im bout to beat 1 right now!” then pulled his dick out and jerked off while sitting on a bench (his friends hung around him, waiting apathetically). “Aw man, sorry if im making U jealous Sam,” Danny apologized to me completely serious, “I feel like I shouldn’t even make dis sound around you” *scratches his pubes making a traumatizing brillo sound* “you know? cuz u prolly don’t have hair yet..” He was right, I couldn’t cum and was ashamed/weirded out by the concept so I skated about 50 feet away/shredded fliptricks on my board till they were done.

Their dedicated and obsession with group masturbation culminated in sleepovers where they’d all beat off together in the same room. A ragtag of greasy, oddly-formed teens wearing t-shirts with sandwiches on them would sit in a room together listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers while masturbating. They were also inarguably (and by far) the most popular kids in my school.

When they’d show up to school dances, girls would line up to get off with them. They’d alternate girlfriends and usually the kids would try to make out until they’d cum in their undies, then brag about it to the rest of the Bloods. Teachers gave them high fives and asked them about their BMX bikes and stuff. Everyone wanted to be friends with them so one day I attended a sleep over at my friend Alex’s house (a Blood member who was cool one-on-one but succumbed to Thomas', Jamie's and Danny’s attitudes when in groups) hoping that the sleepover stories were just rumors.

There were around 10 boys sleeping over, all of us in the same room right next to the kitchen. Jamie's mom baked some really nice cookies and they had rented “There’s Something about Mary” for the sleepover. We began the film, started eating cookies and Jamie's mum went upstairs. Everything was fine until that scene where someone sees an old lady’s wrinkly naked boobs through binoculars. Everyone suddenly whipped their dicks out and began grunting while masturbating furiously. In a catatonic stupor, I stopped chewing my cookie and let it melt in my mouth hoping that if I stayed still enough, I would disappear. I noticed the only other kid in the room without their dong out was this kid Andrew Rhoades (a very shy boy who lived next door and probably had no idea what he was getting into). Andrew sat on the carpet holding his knees, shivering in fear. I tried to get Andrew’s attention, hoping he’d look back so I could nod that everything would be over soon/life would get back to normal, but his eyes wouldn’t leave the carpet below his feet. As the grunts grew louder, one of them said “Andrew, why aren’t you doing it!?” (after all, he was more mature than me). His dead eyes slowly lifted from the carpet and looked straight at me, looking like Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket. I have yet to see that amount of despair in any man’s eyes.

He answered something about not wanting to do it and they insisted but I had stopped paying attention by then. My mind had retreated to some dreamworld where teenage mutant penises didn’t harass me and social status wasn’t directly proportional to how much butt hair you had. I stopped hanging out with The Bloods after that and having felt snubbed they began bullying me for years. I don’t really know what the moral or conclusion of this story is but if you’re in secondary school or even primary school and read this, the mean kids that are popular now will have hilariously boring jobs when they’re older and the girls you think are hot in middle school will probably be vapid 4s by the time you hit your 20s.

Actually, wait no the conclusion is please recall this tale; every time you listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

~ I don't ever wanna feeeeeeel, like I did that daaaaay ~

what the fuck

Ohmygodwhocares.

Here I thought Corleth was sick. As it turns out his state of being obviously must have been a healthy adaption to a sick enviroment instead.



... No kidding, but what the fuck did I just read?

Intriguing. Could you elaborate on the story, Corleth?

Why did you post it here? Did you write it yourself? If so, is this an autobiography?

Wow, surprisingly similar to my life's story.


(no, but really, wtf.)

Lyniath wrote:Ohmygodwhocares.

/modmodeon

The same can be directed at you. Don't start frequenting the forum with all your argument provocation again.

/modmodeoff

--

Bit of a perplexing read. I'd read more just in an attempt to make sense of the status quo here, because this is incredibly unusual.

I honestly don't know what I just spent 3 minutes reading on.

Cid wrote:

I honestly don't know what I just spent 3 minutes reading on.

Me neither, I don't regret it though, now I know why Corleth is... Corleth!

What did I just read? I couldn't stop being amused near the end. I'm now tainted.

Also @ Lyniath: Alot can be said when it comes to you so don't start that crap again.

if it is the truth, and not some weird paedophilic circle jerk fantasy you have, you sick bastard, i respect you for your honesty

but you're still a sick bastard

I started listening to RHCP when I was in year 5 or 6 I think? my favourite song was Zephyr

also why are you guys bitching at lyniath over one little jokey comment? I'm the one who needs bitching at most of the time not poor lily

Shaelyssa wrote:I started listening to RHCP when I was in year 5 or 6 I think? my favourite song was Zephyr

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Shaelyssa you're pure gold omg xD

i dont think I really appreciate your sarcasm mister!!!!

....

Pretty fucking good read, I laughed! I love just pure honest stories, there are things I'd never imagine sharing years ago, but seem so trivial and hilarious now.

My experience with the masturbation and the impact it had in school was quite different.

Spoiler:

Who won between Lita and Torrie?

Aldric Essalus Helmfrid wrote:

QFT

Lexgrad wrote:Who won between Lita and Torrie?

I don't remember, as soon as I was done I was too ecstatic to care. Though, probably Lita as she was a beast. I think it explains my side-interest for girls who are a bit punky/rocky.

lmao people actually taking this seriously and writing out their own stories jesus im dying

LOL!

Oh god, my sides.