Arcane Agony Aunt

Most Esteemed Archmage

As a concerned individual who has seen a great deal of magic abuse, I would like to ask what the restrictions are on your human casters. It seems that the magi of Stormwind and the Kirin Tor wander the streets practicing polymorph spells on every critter they come across; they use full portal spells to get halfway across the city when walking would be nearly as swift; indeed, they conjure food and water for a "light snack" daily.

It seems that this is a culture of convenience, and mixing this with the arcane seems a spectacularly bad idea. What I am asking is, is this strictly legal? What can we do, the residents of Stormwind; what part may we take to help curtail this casual abuse?

I am fairly certain it went poorly once before. Something about demons.

- With concern,
Anhagath

Archmage Serentyne,

It is often said that magic usage should be controlled. But how is it to have a water elemental conjured and in control at most times. Would that be counted as illegal usage of magic or...?

Most Exteemt Argmage,

I wus a workin as a housemaid in Theramore. After the incident, 's all sorts 'o things been happenin' 'round the house. 'S the candle-sticks yeah, they keep movin' when I swear I ain't had a touch. Milord says 't aint no thing but all this talk 'bout mana 'n whatchacallit-- Argane, things, 'S got me thinkin'. Also, me hair's gone 'n turned white 'n I ain't no day over thirty cross me heart!

I figger you magin' types may be knowin' wha's goin' on? Should I be worried?
*signed with a crude "X"*

erwtenpeller wrote:

Most Exteemt Argmage,

I wus a workin as a housemaid in Theramore. After the incident, 's all sorts 'o things been happenin' 'round the house. 'S the candle-sticks yeah, they keep movin' when I swear I ain't had a touch. Milord says 't aint no thing but all this talk 'bout mana 'n whatchacallit-- Argane, things, 'S got me thinkin'. Also, me hair's gone 'n turned white 'n I ain't no day over thirty cross me heart!

I figger you magin' types may be knowin' wha's goin' on? Should I be worried?
*signed with a crude "X"*

Dear Archmage Arenfel Serentyne of the Kirin-Tor.

I am a reasonably new user of the arcane, and thus over the past few months have learned several things. However recently I have come to discover my eyes sortoff.. shine more then usual. I was at.. a couple of points in time tricked into drinking a small amount of moonwell water, which at this point they started shimmering, and my powers got uncontrollable for a small amount of time. I expected the shimmer to vanish, but it has not, and I worry if this is permanent. Is this due to the moonwell water, or to my more increased usage of the arcane?

Signed,
Worried Arcanist.

Archmage Serentyne,

I am traveling around the wonderful world, my next destination are the Blasted lands to visit some old friends. I've studied and learned the arts of abjuration in the past, but i s still would love some new tips. I am well prepared for my travels so far, though not well enough for a few certain possible demons lurking around, namely those called Fel Hunters. I am unsure what sort of wards i should have pre-prepared if i somehow do encounter these nasty beasts and i've heard many mages are overpowered by them. Could you direct and/or give some tips on how to aproach this problem if it pops up?

With regards,
Tim the traveling mage

siegmund wrote:

Archmage Serentyne,

I am traveling around the wonderful world, my next destination are the Blasted lands to visit some old friends. I've studied and learned the arts of abjuration in the past, but i s still would love some new tips. I am well prepared for my travels so far, though not well enough for a few certain possible demons lurking around, namely those called Fel Hunters. I am unsure what sort of wards i should have pre-prepared if i somehow do encounter these nasty beasts and i've heard many mages are overpowered by them. Could you direct and/or give some tips on how to aproach this problem if it pops up?

With regards,
Tim the traveling mage

Arenfel/Mikhael wrote:Please mail me again should you survive!

Dear Sir/Madam Arenfel,

Why would a wizard decided to inflict a terrible fate on a settlement of any kind?

I read in the Weekly Azeroth Express (a fine and reputable publication) of a wizard who descended upon a town and burned many of its inhabitants with beams of fire from his fingers. He then granted all of the community owls the ability to speak, so that the townsfolk were haunted by plaintive cries for mice and worms at all hours.

Later he made some but not all of the townsfolk invisible so that they would be driven slowly mad and rub themselves up against the townsfolk at night and the non-dead, non-invisible townsfolk would find invisible townsfolk in their rooms at night further disturbing their sleep and destroying the concept of privacy.

Then when the townsfolk were too weak from sleep deprivation and paranoid, to stand the owls descended upon them and pecked at their noses, eyes and genitals.

Finally a portion of the few surviving townsfolk found that all of the doors had been turned into portals to remote parts of the world so that they could not enter or leave their homes and places of worship and had to enter and leave all the buildings through the windows.

Why would someone do that?

I look forward to reading your response.

Yours Sincerely,

Recruit Jenit Penfold, 157th Company

PS. I am confused and unsure of your gender, please advise.

As a soldier and tinker on the front with a love for alcoholic beverages, I have a question of utmost importance for you!
Mind, my knowledge of the Arcane is equal to the knowledge I have on the bottom of my mug, very little.

When I march into battle, I often do so with my trusty Mobile Alcoholic Beverage Dispensor (M.A.B.D. or just Matilda) on my back, she's capable of storing and mixing alcoholic beverages. And in both cases, it makes sure the booze remains cold, like you've just fished your mug out of a frozen lake in the beautiful Dun Morogh! That way I can keep the troops around me, and of course myself refreshed, and it's quite handy to numb the pain in case of a injury.

But! While my darling has a many lovely features already, it costs a many, many coins to refill her with -proper- booze everytime while fighting on a far away front. So I wonder, do you have any knowledge of a spell or rune that could keep the booze within her tanks flowing, without me needing to argue with our quartermaster every night? As in.. A spell with which my Matilda can generate her own -proper- booze. I've looked and created several blueprints to try and do this via technology, but the exotic materials required for such cost way more then I ever can dream of to earn in the military.

It would help the lads (and some lasses) and me on the front a great bunch, I look forward to your reply.


Light bless your wand,
Cpl. Hugir Strongbrew
157th "Wild Tempest" Company

To the esteemed Archmage Serentyne

First off may I say I am delighted to see this latest addition to The Times! It is an admirable undertaking to provide much-needed insight for those fearful, distrusting or fascinated with our craft. Now I suppose I should get to the point before I start rambling, or worse run out of ink.

Whenever I exit a portal, created by an associate or otherwise, I have a terrible habit for tripping up or losing balance on my way through. I dare say it is hardly due to my choice of clothing, given I rarely wear robewear - in my line of work they only get in the way, especially when running – and I am quite surefooted for my age.

Along such lines, in regards to your previous reply concerning short-range teleports I agree wholeheartedly with your point. While a spritely mage of not a few years myself, I have always taken great pleasure in the journeys that my own two feet have brought me.
If I may reinforce your opinion – my it seems I have plenty of ink after all! – in highlighting the threat of inexperienced magisters becoming accustomed to using magic as a ‘quick fix’ to everyday life.
While laziness can breed efficiency (I find that a lazy man will always seek a faster solution), this certainly does not apply to the arcane; A life of shortcuts will likely be a life cut short.

Oh, and a word out to previous correspondent Tim the Travelling Mage! Should you ever be in Stormwind, do drop by the Stormwind Library or the Kaldorei Embassy. I should very much like to share tea and travelling tales.


Yours wordfully,
The Confounder

Oh! Yes, your other question. To answer, I am male. Enclosed is an image of myself posing for "Arcanist Monthly" in December last year, I dare say I look rather good for a hundred and eighty six!

Dear darling,

As an old and vastly experienced Mage, you must have at some point contemplated going mad with power and/or trying to take over the world. What made you stop/stopped you/made you change your mind? Also, any hints for an aspiring Magess who may or may not want to take over the world would be appreciated.

Hugs and kisses,
Calamity xxxoxoxoxooxoxooxo

P.S. If you're up for cooperating, we could rule the world together

Adry wrote:

Dear darling,

As an old and vastly experienced Mage, you must have at some point contemplated going mad with power and/or trying to take over the world. What made you stop/stopped you/made you change your mind? Also, any hints for an aspiring Magess who may or may not want to take over the world would be appreciated.

Hugs and kisses,
Calamity xxxoxoxoxooxoxooxo

P.S. If you're up for cooperating, we could rule the world together

Dear "Calamity", or what alternative moniker you are naming yourself at the time you read this letter.

I am quite insane, and comfortable. I have no intentions of ending the world, starting a revolution, ascending to godhood or ridding the universe of goats at this moment in time. Please check back in a number of weeks, when I will undoubtedly be driven to your desired quotient of insanity, as a direct result of having to suffer through your incessant and ostentatious compunction to FOLLOW ME -EVERYWHERE-!

Piss off, please.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

Dear archmage Serentyne, I recently started my studies as a mage but my friends keep exploiting me for cake and other conjured snacks, they also keep ridiculing me telling me I'm a whimp. When will they grow to respect me? -Tony

Charlie Blazesong wrote:

Dear archmage Serentyne, I recently started my studies as a mage but my friends keep exploiting me for cake and other conjured snacks, they also keep ridiculing me telling me I'm a whimp. When will they grow to respect me? -Tony

Dear Tony,

If you wish to be lulled into a falsehood, read this sentence and nothing else. They will respect you in time.

If you wish to know the truth, so that you can better arm yourself for life's maladies, read on.

As an arcanist, you possess the precious gift and insurmountable burden that all magi are made to bear. Throughout history there have been those who view sorcery as a lesser, cowardly alternative, to the masculine ideal of being burly - one eyed - war veterans with biceps thicker than Ashenvale oak trees.

Stand up for yourself, and learn to choose your battles wisely. These friends, they may exploit you for their confectionary desires, but I would recommend you take their sweet toothed demands and use it as practice for your conjuring skills. Just remember to inform them that one cannot live on a diet of fabricated meals.

One should never become a mage with the sole intention of garnering respect, one should always have a solid immutable rationale when acquiring arcane knowledge, find this reason and build up your own self-respect before you go seeking that of your peers.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

Dear Aunty,

I recently found myself romantically entangled with a sorcerer of means, and now it sparkles when I make tinkles.

I have tried traditional remedies from the urban druid around the corner, but nothing seems to work.

Signed: Frightened Fairy.

Skaraa wrote:Dear Arcane Agony Aunt,

I recently purchased what was advertised as a Philosopher's Stone, initially I was quite thrilled but almost immediately upon attempting to use said stone I began to encounter problems.
First, the stone does not function as specified as a material focus for the transmutation of precious metals.
Second, the stone weighs far more than estimates from the seller led me to believe. I find myself struggling to walk with it on my person, most often with my pants descending to my ankles when kept in my pocket.
Third, upon leaving the stone on my work bench or other location around the house and leaving my home, it reappears spontaneously in my pocket, often with embarrassing consequences (see above).
Forth, upon attempting to throw the stone away due to frustration, it flies back through the air to hit me in the back of the head and promptly reappear in my pocket after I turn around.
Finally, the seller from which I procured this item has disappeared and a quick chat with the Stormwind City Census officials reveal that a magic item merchant of his name is unknown, and likely has never existed, within the city.

An identification of this cursed item and a suggestion of how to relieve myself of it once and for all would be greatly appreciated.

Signed: Frustrated Alchemist.

Dear sir and or madam,

What you have purchased is not a true philosopher's stone, but a cursed Hearthstone.

If your account of the stone's inconveniences is one hundred percent accurate, then I can say with some certainty that you have purchased a Clingstone. These stones, aptly described by a portmanteau of Cling and Stone, have been instilled with the jealous drive of a Sayaad (Succubus) who has refused to leave their master's side because of fears about their precious summoner's failing loyalty.

To disenchant the stone, there are two methods.

1. At eight o'clock, night time, place the stone on a table and prepare a meal for two. Calmly discuss your relationship with the stone, and let them know it's not their fault; it's yours. You have changed, your circumstances are different, you're two different people, and break up with it. The stone will vibrate, and explode to release a myriad of hateful slurs.

2. If you're a sensitive soul, then you can dip the stone in an arcane solution. One tea-spoon arcane power; one owl feather; the errant third testicle of a bull; and the urine of an unfaithful man.

Please let me know if this works.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

erwtenpeller wrote:

Dear Aunty,

I recently found myself romantically entangled with a sorcerer of means, and now it sparkles when I make tinkles.

I have tried traditional remedies from the urban druid around the corner, but nothing seems to work.

Signed: Frightened Fairy.

Dear Terrified Woodland Creature,

It sounds to me as though your sexual partner has been abusing the substance known as "Dream Powder," which is a low-risk narcotic manufactured by mixing dried Dreamfoil with flecks of Crystallized Mana.

Sustain yourself on a diet of berries, spring water, and dried tea leaves for three days and your urine should run clear.

Archmage Serentyne
Minister of Magic

To Archmage Arenfel Serentyne, Stormwind Minister of Magic

Recently, we have been approached by a Mister Robert Gerwald of Gerwald’s Pork Farm in Westfall, who expressed great excitement at what he called “A business proposition”. He wished to pass on his own 'letter' (See enclosed parchment piece) to your column through our postal offices, while claiming a Ministerial Patent for his concept.

My biznuss propusichun:

When asked to provide a more in-depth explanation, Mister Gerwald explained thusly;

“My farm be full of vermin these days. You can’t step out the door without near tripping on one! That Clementine robe bloke said there were wizards who turned the rats and critters about the town into animals.
I be wanting to know how much it costs to hire one to turn them all into pigs so’s I have more animals to sell to market."

In spite of our own repeated explanations as to why such practices are illegal under the Questionable Provisions Act, Mister Gerwald was insistent that I pass on his inquiry further to you for validation.
We would greatly appreciate your input in this matter, and I hope that your reply will be enough to show Mister Gerwald the error of his proposal, and that it will prevent other hopefuls from wasting the Ministry’s time with similar requests.

Yours respectfully,

Lawrence Appleby
Junior Secretary
Kingdom of Stormwind Department of Agricultural Affairs

Fyffe wrote:

To Archmage Arenfel Serentyne, Stormwind Minister of Magic

Recently, we have been approached by a Mister Robert Gerwald of Gerwald’s Pork Farm in Westfall, who expressed great excitement at what he called “A business proposition”. He wished to pass on his own 'letter' (See enclosed parchment piece) to your column through our postal offices, while claiming a Ministerial Patent for his concept.

My biznuss propusichun:

When asked to provide a more in-depth explanation, Mister Gerwald explained thusly;

“My farm be full of vermin these days. You can’t step out the door without near tripping on one! That Clementine robe bloke said there were wizards who turned the rats and critters about the town into animals.
I be wanting to know how much it costs to hire one to turn them all into pigs so’s I have more animals to sell to market."

In spite of our own repeated explanations as to why such practices are illegal under the Questionable Provisions Act, Mister Gerwald was insistent that I pass on his inquiry further to you for validation.
We would greatly appreciate your input in this matter, and I hope that your reply will be enough to show Mister Gerwald the error of his proposal, and that it will prevent other hopefuls from wasting the Ministry’s time with similar requests.

Yours respectfully,

Lawrence Appleby
Junior Secretary
Kingdom of Stormwind Department of Agricultural Affairs

Dear Mr. Appleby,

I have received no proposition, you were correct to inform me of this... rather bizarre though creative misguided business venture of Robert's.

The spell used to transform one person, into another, is called "polymorph". It is a portmanteau of "poly" which means "many", and "morph" which means "to change". It falls under the school of Transmutation, and it is most commonly used as a non-lethal method of placating or temporarily removing an individual so that the caster can go about their business unhindered.

There are three major "rules" one must adhere to when dealing with a morphed individual.

1. One cannot - at least to our knowledge - transform an individual into a creature more intelligent than the base species, this prevents up-scale polymorphs such as a rat into a human.

2. NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, INTRODUCE A TRANSMOGRIFIED INDIVIDUAL TO A PORTAL. THEY WILL EXPLODE.

3. Significant harm will revert the process. Inform Mr. Gerwald that should he attempt to butcher a poly-morphed creature, it will return to its original shape once the cleaver cuts the flesh.

Arenfel Serentyne
Minister of Magic