[IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
+9
Feeniks
Littlepip
Seranita
Drustai
Feral / Blackfall
Rae Wulfgnar
Catari
Melnerag
erwtenpeller
13 posters
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[IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by erwtenpeller Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:51 pm
The following pamphlet seems to appear whenever it is convenient. Whenever someone thinks "Boy, it would sure be handy to have a healer right now!" a pamphlet dances into view on a gust of wind, one gets slid under your door, or it's found in the mailbox in the middle of the regular mail. They seem to be everywhere.
----
(( Many thanks to Melnerag and Bloedneus. They've helped a lot with brainstorming. ))
----
Tired of priests telling you how to live your life?The Church is the upcoming go-to source for all your divine needs. We have a fine selection of on-demand pay-per-pray holy products, as well as a line of dependable priest-for-hire subscriptions.
Looking for a solid, dependable source of divine products?
Look no further!
Turn to:
The Church of the Holy Profit
Our priests are selected carefully on the purity of their entrepreneurial spirit. We deliver a full guarantee that they are completely free of moral obstructions. They are able to deliver top-of-the-line divine products, able to rival and exceed those of the Draenei, Human and Blood Elf churches. Without all the fuss(*1)!
- Available Divine Products:
Pay-per-pray services are one-off deliveries of Divine Products. When ordered through Light-o-Matic(*2) stations found on many convenient locations across Azeroth, a priest of the church will be sent to a location of your choosing as quickly as possible(*3) through means of an air drop.
Low-Yield Divine Products.
Includes:
Lesser Healing.
Lesser Power Words.
Lesser Blessings.
Confessions(*4).
High-Yield Divine Products.
Includes:
Greater Healing.
Greater Power Words.
Greater Blessings.
Confessions & Forgiveness.
Exorcisms.
Curing of diseases.
Greater Miracles.
Includes:
Full Resurrection(*5).
"Divine Intervention" brand top-of-the-line shielding.
The smiting of heretics(*6).
Rent-a-Priest Subscriptions.
With a subscription to the church comes a free Priest at a location of your choosing, able to deliver Divine Products instantaneously on demand, depending on subscription level.
Bronze Subscription.
Includes:
One top quality rent-a-priest for the duration of the subscription.
Low-Yield Divine Products free of charge, and immediately available.
All other Divine Products available at a pay-per-pray basis.
Silver Subscription.
Includes:
One top quality rent-a-priest for the duration of the subscription.
All healing services free of charge, and immediately available.
Greater Miracles on a pay-per-pray basis.
Gold Subscription:
One top quality rent-a-priest for the duration of the subscription.
All divine products free of charge, and immediately available.
Comes with Rent-a-Priest performance guarantee(*7)!
- Fine Print:
The following is printed in tiny lettering at the bottom of the pamphlet:
(*1): "Fuss" doesn't include: The composing of contracts and the administrative costs of billing.
(*2): Light-o-Matic stations are positions at many wonderous and unlikely places. There should always be one near you. Ask your local goblins about them!
(*3): Speed of arrival depends on the proximity of an airstrip.
(*4): Confessions do not include forgiveness.
(*5): Only availible if the following conditions are met:
The body of the resurrecte-to-be must be intact to a degree that it is possible to restore with the Light of the Profit.
The soul must be willing to return to the living world.
(*6): The definition of "herecy" is negotiable.
(*7): In the event when your appointed priest fails to deliver Holy Producs (Dead or otherwise incapacitated) a new priest unit will be delivered to a location of your choosing as swiftly as possible to fullfill the contractual obligations of the church.
(( Many thanks to Melnerag and Bloedneus. They've helped a lot with brainstorming. ))
Last edited by erwtenpeller on Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
erwtenpeller- Posts : 6481
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Age : 38
Location : Netherlands
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Melnerag Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:56 pm
Rihani reads the pamphlet and her soul is filled with the joyous Light as she no longer feels alone and misunderstood. There is an official Church sharing her views almost spot-on. If only they would come to Stormwind and surplant the stuffy old Church of the Holy Light!
She immediately sends a pamphlet to Jeremias Blackwell, anonymously of course. That guy needs to see this!
She immediately sends a pamphlet to Jeremias Blackwell, anonymously of course. That guy needs to see this!
Last edited by Melnerag on Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:09 pm; edited 2 times in total
Melnerag- Posts : 2261
Join date : 2010-01-29
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Catari Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:00 pm
(( /worships erwtenpeller ))
Catari- Posts : 134
Join date : 2012-01-25
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by erwtenpeller Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:01 pm
(( Melnerag and Bloodnose should get a share of the credit, I've brainstormed a lot on the subject with both of them. 
))
))
erwtenpeller- Posts : 6481
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Rae Wulfgnar Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:26 pm
Melnerag wrote: Rihani reads the pamphlet and her soul is filled with the joyous Light as she no longer feels alone and misunderstood. There is an official Church sharing her views almost spot-on. If only they would come to Stormwind and surplant the stuffy old Church of the Holy Light!
She immediately sends a pamphlet to Jeremias Blackwell, anonymously of course. That guy needs to see this!
Jeremias leans back in his chair as he opens the Pamphlet. After a few moments the paper erupts into Holy fire and Jeremias roars in anger, his voice bellowing through the Cathedral ''FIND ME WHO MADE THESE! I WILL BRING THEM TO JUSTICE FOR THIS SLANDER!!''.
Rae Wulfgnar- Posts : 693
Join date : 2010-06-07
Age : 36
Location : Stormwind
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Name: Sir Rae Josephas Wulfgnar
Title: Chaplain of the Disciples of Light -
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Melnerag Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:51 pm
Written in Goblin
Respectable priests and holy executive officers of the Church of the Holy Profit,
I seek to obtain one of your high-yield divine products (Confession&Forgiveness). In brief, I have been accessory to slaying a servant of the Stormwind Church of the Holy Light, it is this incident I wish to have forgiven. My case is further complicated by my affiliation with the Burning Legion and high level of Fel corruption, however I have full confidence in your Church and your ability to frame a deal that circumvents this inconvenience.
I would prefer to take my confession in Booty Bay or Fuselight.
Please send a sales quote with the service you can provide and the price you are asking for it addressed to me to Booty Bay tavern. I am fluent in Goblin and Orcish, among other languages, and will not require the services of an interpreter.
I also request a sales quote for purchase of a life-long premium subscription for all your newsletters, magazines and pamphlets (translated into Common) for Jeremias Blackwell.
Lady Estherat,
The Graceful Flame, Guardian of Discord
Melnerag- Posts : 2261
Join date : 2010-01-29
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Feral / Blackfall Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:18 pm
Melnerag wrote:
I also request a sales quote for purchase of a life-long premium subscription for all your newsletters, magazines and pamphlets (translated into Common) for Jeremias Blackwell.
(BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Feral / Blackfall- Posts : 575
Join date : 2010-06-05
Age : 40
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Drustai Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:31 pm
Areyah snorts as she reads over one of the pamphlets.
"What piss."
She tears it up and goes back to her work.
"What piss."
She tears it up and goes back to her work.
Drustai- Posts : 3194
Join date : 2010-10-10
Location : Gotland, Sweden
Character sheet
Name: Archmage Drustai
Title: The Necromancer
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Seranita Wed Jul 03, 2013 11:36 pm
*having spent a while in the cathedral she wakes up one morning finding one of these on her chest.. she blinks and reads it with tired eyes,, then re reads it.. two more times before hissing and shredding the paper and stuffing it into the waste paper bin in the infirmary room*
Seranita- Posts : 4808
Join date : 2010-09-26
Character sheet
Name: Monrena
Title: Trainee Vindicator/engeneer
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Littlepip Thu Jul 04, 2013 12:00 am
Rae Wulfgnar wrote:Jeremias leans back in his chair as he opens the Pamphlet. After a few moments the paper erupts into Holy fire and Jeremias roars in anger, his voice bellowing through the Cathedral ''FIND ME WHO MADE THESE! I WILL BRING THEM TO JUSTICE FOR THIS SLANDER!!''.
Is staying in the cathedral praying when he suddenly hear the rather rude outburst of anger and glances up from his hands to look around in the room before shruging, going back to pray to the holy light.
Monrena wrote:*having spent a while in the cathedral she wakes up one morning finding one of these on her chest.. she blinks and reads it with tired eyes,, then re reads it.. two more times before hissing and shredding the paper and stuffing it into the waste paper bin in the infirmary room*
Is just done praying when he walks past the Infirmary and notice Monrena's actions.
"This place sure is lively today.. Wonder what-.."
Thor stumbles over one of the scrolls and reads quickly trough it before laughing and reads trough it again to make sure its not a joke.
"Pah, making money out of the light, now I have seen most that can be seen.. Whats next, flying elephants and talking mouses?"
Throws away the scroll in the cathedral before igniting it with a holy flint and tinder (Which you should totally be able to buy!) and walks away.
Littlepip- Posts : 1397
Join date : 2013-02-11
Age : 28
Location : Norway, Sør-Trøndelag, Rissa komune.
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Name: Littlepip
Title: Runemage -
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Feeniks Thu Jul 04, 2013 6:00 am
Emiraude finds a pergament, witch is slipped under her doorstep. She takes it up and reads in amzament.
"Use of Holy Light for monney? How could they? Such unintegrity! Only goblins and heretics could invent something like this! Light is a gift, given freely!...Better let Phaedria read this too..."
Emi takes the paper in and places to a table for her roommate to read.
ooc: Oh this is so rich! Mailorder Light \o/ I see the cash coming in, as people are dump enough to pay for something they can get normally for free( and with little effort), but when marketed in nice, fansy package, promising it to be easy as diet pill and reliable to get anywhere, anywhen and anyhow, they go for it
"Use of Holy Light for monney? How could they? Such unintegrity! Only goblins and heretics could invent something like this! Light is a gift, given freely!...Better let Phaedria read this too..."
Emi takes the paper in and places to a table for her roommate to read.
ooc: Oh this is so rich! Mailorder Light \o/ I see the cash coming in, as people are dump enough to pay for something they can get normally for free( and with little effort), but when marketed in nice, fansy package, promising it to be easy as diet pill and reliable to get anywhere, anywhen and anyhow, they go for it
Feeniks- Posts : 389
Join date : 2012-02-02
Location : Finland
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Darilas Thu Jul 04, 2013 6:28 am
((these are goblins? Horde guild?))
Darilas- Posts : 673
Join date : 2010-06-08
Age : 45
Location : Amsterdam, the Netherlands
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Name: Darilas Lionfeet
Title:
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by erwtenpeller Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:28 am
The following is a swiftly delivered letter tot the provided booty bay address.
RE: No Subject wrote:
Dear Lady Estherat.
Thank you for your interest in our products.
Please find your way to a nearby Light-o-Matic, make the required communication-donation, and one of our clerics will arrange a meeting.
This has been an automated reply from the Church of the Holy Profit.
Personal responses become available after a personal donation to the Church.
- OOC Replies to posts:
The Light of the Profit is blind to race, gender or creed, Darilas. The only color it recognizes is the shimmer of gold.Darilas wrote:((these are goblins? Horde guild?))
I find it entirely hilarious that, appearantly, "convinient" means the Stormwind Cathedral. I wonder how those sneaky goblins managed to spread their pamphlets that far?? The Light of the Profit works in mysterious ways! /cackleerwtenpeller wrote:The following pamphlet seems to appear whenever it is convenient.
erwtenpeller- Posts : 6481
Join date : 2011-06-03
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Jeanpierre Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:45 am
*somewhere in Elwynn, Jack bandages his arm from a wolf-bite when the note appears out of thin air. After a moment of surprise and confusion, he reads it carefully*
"If I get it right.. The golden subscription forces them to send a new priest when the old one dies. It doesn't have any clause on who is responsible for this death. Would a dead priest be worth more than you?"
*Jack eyes the dead wolf in front of him*
"I could kill the one they sent me, then demand a new one. Again and again. The meat might not sell too well.. And the skin neither. Unless they have valuables.. but that won't work for a long time. Bah. Worthless."
*Jack throws the note away*
"If I get it right.. The golden subscription forces them to send a new priest when the old one dies. It doesn't have any clause on who is responsible for this death. Would a dead priest be worth more than you?"
*Jack eyes the dead wolf in front of him*
"I could kill the one they sent me, then demand a new one. Again and again. The meat might not sell too well.. And the skin neither. Unless they have valuables.. but that won't work for a long time. Bah. Worthless."
*Jack throws the note away*
Jeanpierre- Posts : 2314
Join date : 2010-02-23
Age : 42
Location : Stormwind Cathedral -
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Thelos Thu Jul 04, 2013 9:01 am
Huruma reads a pamphlet the Wind of Providence have literally blown into his hands while he was scanning the horizon for infiltrators. After reading it carefully, he quotes a Naaruvada text:
"The Light speaks to us in our own voice."
Then, proceeding to add in his own voice:
"The Army of Light marches on."
Against all odds, the Vindicator seems to approve of this!
"The Light speaks to us in our own voice."
Then, proceeding to add in his own voice:
"The Army of Light marches on."
Against all odds, the Vindicator seems to approve of this!
Thelos- Posts : 3392
Join date : 2011-07-18
Age : 33
Location : The Netherlands
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Lavian Thu Jul 04, 2013 9:35 am
Lavian somehow ends up with a copy during the wild tempest base in Stonetalon mountains, how odd. She reads over it with a subtle sigh.
"Hmph.. I'll give them that, it's creative. I'm sure people of the light have been doing it well before this rather public approach but... People will pay for this service, no doubt."
"Hmph.. I'll give them that, it's creative. I'm sure people of the light have been doing it well before this rather public approach but... People will pay for this service, no doubt."
Lavian- Posts : 3560
Join date : 2010-01-28
Age : 35
Location : Bergen, Norway
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Name: Lavian
Title: Dread Knight
Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by erwtenpeller Thu Jul 04, 2013 9:38 am
- OOC REPLIES:
My own goblin priest character is currently serving [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]' boss Grim Stonepaw under a gold subscriptionLavian Dawson wrote:People will pay for this service, no doubt.
erwtenpeller- Posts : 6481
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by erwtenpeller Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:06 pm
The Church of the Holy Profit is still around! For great entrepreneurial justice!
erwtenpeller- Posts : 6481
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Re: [IC] Cheap Divine Products! Good deals!
by Littlepip Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:52 pm
I had completely forgotten about it..
Littlepip- Posts : 1397
Join date : 2013-02-11
Age : 28
Location : Norway, Sør-Trøndelag, Rissa komune.
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Name: Littlepip
Title: Runemage -
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