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BREAKING NEWS

Valley of Heroes Allegedly Attacked by Very Large Flying Lizard

STORMWIND - Residents of Stormwind today were woken up this morning to fires, earthquakes and the sound of a voice screaming "Pain! Agony!" Tuesday.

When guards and citizens rallied to the scene of the activity, all they could find were smashed up statues and the front towers on fire.

"At first, I heard this voice shout, ' My hatred burns! The world heaves with my torment!' and I thought it was just another Alliance bloke having a fit for losing an arena battle as usual," said Elling Trias, who works at the Cheese Shop. "Then I come out and see the carnage, somebody broke one of the statues. I did the smart thing and ran back to the shop, but all the stuff we had on display turned to nacho cheese sauce."

The sound panicked auctioneers in the Auction House. "I heard a bang, boom and some tough-guy voice, I thought some bloody Horde bloke was riding through on their motorcycle again to gank us, and I threw myself to the stage curtains to hide. I don't need another PTSD episode," Auctioneer Chilton said.

Nellis Roswell, a Stormwind peasant who was making her way to pray at the Cathedral of Light this morning, said she saw a ball of fire in the sky and the flapping of wings.

"By the Light, it was a dragon, I tell you! A big, black, steely-covered thing with frayed wings and vicious teeth. I bloody thought it was going to crash down on the church -- the end times were here and that'd be the ends of me," Roswell said.

Stormwind's intelligence bureau, SI-7, said there is no reason to believe it was a dragon attack, and dismissed claims that it may be related to the "Onyxia incident." in which conspiracy buffs claim a black dragon caused carnage in Stormwind's throne room while King Varian Wrynn was away on adventure, or from local mercenaries recently bringing the heads of female black dragons to the city gates.

"We have no reason to believe today's incident was caused by a VLFL - a Very Large Flying Lizard. It was most likely a crashed weather balloon from Goblin sources, which collided with the towers, or exploding swamp gas, which can appear as a fireball in the sky and give those on the ground temporary hallucinations," a SI-7 spokesman said.

Wrynn's office declined to comment until further information is collected. "There is absolutely no reason to panic. Our government has everything under control," an official in the King's office said.

Roswell scoffed at the officials' claims. "Oh Tauren turds! I knows what I saw, a dragon, not some flaming swamp fart or Gobby zepplin or whatever gobbly-good they're trying to pass it as," she said.

Trias however, dismissed the claim of it being a dragon.

"Probably a weather balloon, yeah, that sounds right," Trias said as a courier gave him a package with a slip of paper and some money in it. "Besides, what kind of mighty beast would be that stupid to raise hell at the gates and then fly off for no reason? It seems a bloody waste of effort to perch up there, howl like a demon about being the greatest and break a statue if that's the case -- I've seen drunk Hordies do more damage in town."

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Kristeas Sunbinder wrote:But Anti, he sets the sky on fire!

Aniane wrote:I liked the fire.

Ledgic/Omanos wrote:Even though, graphically it wasn't -massively- better than the wrath intro.

Jakins wrote:I'd like to see you storyboard and animate that.

Sinnadrin wrote:

Jakins wrote:I'd like to see you storyboard and animate that.

Yeah, that's all "cinematics" are about these days. Heck, that's all movies are about these days, too. Let the grand scenery, the huge explosions, the zomg special effects and the completely predictable clichés have the masses drop their jaws and cash in the $$$.

And it works! I bet you a thousand Thalassian gold coins Cataclysm itself will be no different in terms of clichés; as much we all knew how WotLK will end, Deathwing will also keep banthering about world destruction while retreating to his pretty little raid instance, which the Nameless Heroes™ will eventually raid, overcome him in an epix battle, and rid the world of him.

Like all lore "villains" since vanilla WoW.