[Sinami] Waters of Change

This takes place the night before the assault on the Dark Portal. Just some of Sinami's thoughts.




I couldn't sleep. The ancestors knows I honestly did try, but none of my usual tricks were working. I had moved away a bit further from camp, so I wouldn't disturb Frostwolf in her sleep. Frostfang was with me, as always, and we sat in companionable silence, like we'd done a thousand times before - my head resting against his shoulder and his warmth and steady heartbeat giving me a sense of comfort that nothing else could. I had closed my eyes, since even though I couldn't see, the sensation of getting sand in my eyes was still decidedly unpleasant, sometimes even painful, and the winds where howling like a pack of wolves tonight, whipping up dust and sand all around me.

I had chosen this exposed place on purpose, it was quite high up and far away from what I could tell, because I needed time to myself, time to think, and I always thought better when I could feel the elements all around me. I may not be able to hear them in the same sense as Oguur or Frostwolf, but the messages they conveyed to me were clear enough. The winds howled and screamed about freedom... that I should take this one chance and flee, remain free, unbound and unbroken. I couldn't help but listen, as I always had, but I knew I couldn't heed their message... not this time.

The earth beneath me and the rocks behind me rumbled about courage. I would need plenty of it if I hoped to be able to follow my sister and my friends into the chaos that awaited us all tomorrow. Tomorrow I would face one of my greatest challenges and my worst nightmare all at once, and if I hoped to prevail, to stay alive long enough to see Frostwolf and my friends safely to the other side I would need the tenacity and the courage to endure.

Despite the heat I could feel myself shivering and Frostfang pressed a little closer to me, attempting to calm the panic that was beginning to rise with alarming speed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder, embracing him in a choke-hold hug. If all the rumours and all I had heard said about tomorrow was true both of us would most likely die. Some might make it beyond the portal, but I held no illusions about our chances. If Frostfang had gone as a companion to someone else he might have been able to make it, but since I was so dependent on him for my own survival I would slow us both down and by doing so I would most likely seal our fate. But I couldn't leave him behind either. Aside from the fact that he was dearer to me than anything else in this world, having him with me was a chance at survival. It was a small ray of hope, granted, a sliver of a chance... but it was real, and I would hold on to that with everything in me.

Going through the portal and potentially losing -everything- a second time was frightening beyond words and the pain the mere thought of it created almost made my heart stop beating. A few months ago I had had nothing, been no-one. Just a lonely wanderer without family, home or a place in the world. Now I suddenly had all of those things and they were the most amazing gifts anyone had ever given me. I thanked the ancestors every day for sending me on the path that led me to the Red Blades. By encountering them I had met several wonderful orcs and even though I might not know all of them very well, the relationships I had, or had begun forming, with them were still precious to me.

Oguur, the first friend, aside from Frostfang, that I had ever made. Rhonya, who reminded me a little of my mother with her kind heart and spirit of steel. Therak with his calm acceptance and the effort he made to include me right from the start. Axenheart, who had appeared so gruff and harsh at first but seemed to host a rather sensitive spirit beneath the surface. Bloodmark, who had offered me a place in the Tribe and kept nagging me about it until I finally have in... and for that I would be forever thankful. Cat, with her open-mindedness and interesting insight in troll culture, something I knew next to nothing about. Trakmar with his engaging stories of his homeclan. Sadok, who was fun to tease and had unexpectedly agreed to tutor me without me actually asking him to. And then there was Frostwolf. My bloodsister. My family. My kin. Precious, all of them.

And it was because of them that I was going. If I was going to die I might as well do it with orcs I cared about all around me rather than cold an alone in the wilds somewhere. And if I could prevent any of them dying by being there, I would gladly do so. Bloodmark had suggested that it was love that drove me and gave me the courage I needed to follow through the portal, and maybe he was right. I didn't quite know myself... but the heat and the fire that danced on the wind, burning my throat with every breath, seemed to roar the same message and as I listened it became increasingly harder to find another explanation.

I released Frostfang from my death-grip and leaned back against the rock, listening to the ocean crashing against the cliffs far below me. I had always had a certain fascination and affinity with water and I found I was always more inclined to listen to that particular element and its call than I would any of the others. The dancing and foaming waves sang of change. Whatever happened tomorrow would change the world, for better or for worse... but the change to my own world had begun further back than that. I was naturally cautious towards change, since change usually presented a certain amount of danger, but as I continued to listen to the haunting song of the waters I realized that I would have to change too if I hoped to survive in the coming days. I didn't know how yet, I just knew I would have to... and that the waters would wash away my old self and replace it with something new.

The waters helped drain away some of my fear and pain and I relaxed a little bit more fully against Frostfang. There was no use in worrying about tomorrow. Change would come, whether I wanted to or not... I would just have to remember to allow myself to be swept up in it.