The description feedback thread!

[Meralynn / Ashla]

Insert your FlagRSP/MyRolePlay/ImmersionRP description here and let the others give you fair and honest feedback! Also, if you wish, add a SHORT explanation to why your character looks that way. Make a full line between different characters and half a line between the description and the explanation, to make it easier to view. Have fun and give eachother (me!) damn good feedback!
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Ayine "Bait"
Ayine is covered in scars, tattoos and more scars. She moves in a twitchy fashion and mostly smirk disturbingly, revealing a set of crooked teeth.
Her eyes are always staring, if you are unfortunate enough to have her look at you her eyes are focused at a spot behind you in a rather uncomfortable way.
The ringfinger and little finger are missing on her left hand and she walks with a limp, her right leg seeming rather stiff.

If she was sleeping and the light was very dim some poor soul could possibly find her slightly attractive.

Her age is rather hard to determine as she resembles a walking web with all those scars. But she is most certainly no teenager.
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Was raised by pirates and slightly insane from the start. It all got worse when they suffered a shipwreck and she was washed a shore a small island without fresh water and had no one but fruit to talk to for 8 months until her crew mates found her again. They quickly got rid off her by stranding her near Menethil, though. A nice way to get back at the people in general for being landcrabs, maybe?

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Ashla Johnson
Wears a headband pulled down to her brows, covering her forehead almost completely.
Three scars run parallel from her neck and downwards.

Her body is muscular and slim with almost no curves, nearly boylike.

She is in her early twenties, maybe younger, has a cute smile and speaks with a slight Westfall accent ((think Louisiana)).

[Halya]

A couple of simple points to refer to there.

She moves in a twitchy fashion and mostly smirk disturbingly

Simply an omission of an s on smirks, there. Twitchy really does imply pure crazy, I find. If thats what you're trying to put forward, sure. Twitching I associate with involuntarily head, arm, finger wrenching. If you mean to refer to how they walk, or anything of the sort, then I'd recommend pursuing something along the lines of "She moves erratically" or "in an erratic fashion". It'd probably read more smoothly if the 2nd half of what I quoted said "she is often seen smirking disturbingly" or "in a disturbing manner". Unless of course, the smirk is absolutely always there, in which case I recommend you emphasise that fact, as it will drive home that people will probably notice it.

Succinct and plenty explanatory for the most part. You may want to add details such as skin tone, hair style, facial features, height, etc, unless they're well-represented by the in-game features. I can't really judge on that.

I'll edit this in a minute with some descriptions of my own.

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Halya

Tall, (standing at 9ft, 4in/281cm), lithe and slender. Halya is a stunning beauty (by the standards of her own people, at least). With long, glossy grey-blue hair, hanging loose down to her neck, and combed neatly to one side. Clean, pale, purple-blue skin, and delicately chiselled facial features, one might expect a level of confidence she most certainly does not exude. She has a piercing gaze, which is rarely employed, since she shies nervously away from eye contact with almost anyone, particularly strangers and non-draenei. Her speech is melodic, but slow.

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Halya is, and always has been, of a nervous disposition. She's socially inept and is terrified of stepping on people's toes, as it were. She doesn't have any specific outstanding physical traits to explain. She's also very meticulous with her common - she may not realise it, but as a result, she speaks it better than most humans. Well, she speaks it 'properly', at least. She lacks a lot of phrases.

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Iylzara

With her narrow face and its scrunched up expression, its pointed nose, chin, and its constant frown; her heavily muscled and stocky frame, a barely noteworthy chest, Iylzara stands head and shoulders above most of her own people, making her a giant amongst smaller races. One would scarcely call her attractive, even by the most generous of standards.

She speaks with a heavy set draenei accident when speaking common, her words often barely discernible. She seems entirely self assured, aggressive almost, much of the time.

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She's a big and burly, muscle-clad draenei woman. And she's not very patient with the other races... Or many of her own. She's irritable, and has only learnt as much common as she has deemed necessary. If people don't understand her, then they can fel well make an effort to learn draenei, or at least her accent. She's done more than enough already.

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Elmarr

Tall, broad, dark-haired and handsome. Elmarr is good looking, if in a very generic way. So much so, one may not really notice at him at first; and he won't stand out in a crowd. His dark brown hair is usually tied back into a ponytail, he dresses neatly, if not lavishly. His speech is clipped, and has a hint of a sing-song nature to it. His skin is very pale, and his face might seem narrow: with a pointed chin, and high cheekbones.

[Shaelyssa]

A couple of simple points to refer to there.

She moves in a twitchy fashion and mostly smirk disturbingly

Simply an omission of an s on smirks, there. Twitchy really does imply pure crazy, I find. If thats what you're trying to put forward, sure. Twitching I associate with involuntarily head, arm, finger wrenching. If you mean to refer to how they walk, or anything of the sort, then I'd recommend pursuing something along the lines of "She moves erratically" or "in an erratic fashion".

I have to disagree here. For me, twitchy implies that they're agitated or nervous more than insanity :p.

[Halya]

I don't know... I find that nervous people don't twitch so much as fidget.

[Shaelyssa]

Aha actually you're completely right in that :p, sorry.

[Meralynn / Ashla]

A couple of simple points to refer to there.

She moves in a twitchy fashion and mostly smirk disturbingly

Simply an omission of an s on smirks, there. Twitchy really does imply pure crazy, I find. If thats what you're trying to put forward, sure. Twitching I associate with involuntarily head, arm, finger wrenching. If you mean to refer to how they walk, or anything of the sort, then I'd recommend pursuing something along the lines of "She moves erratically" or "in an erratic fashion". It'd probably read more smoothly if the 2nd half of what I quoted said "she is often seen smirking disturbingly" or "in a disturbing manner". Unless of course, the smirk is absolutely always there, in which case I recommend you emphasise that fact, as it will drive home that people will probably notice it.

Hm. What I want people to see in front of them is someone who isn't moving in a smooth way but.... twitchy. Sheesh, not being a native english speaker makes this rather hard to explain. The smirk is always there, even in rather un-fitting situations. She can get angry sometimes and stop smirking or snarl or something instead, but then I will RP that out.

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Halya

Tall, (standing at 9ft, 4in/281cm), lithe and slender. Halya is a stunning beauty (by the standards of her own people, at least). With long, glossy grey-blue hair, hanging loose down to her neck, and combed neatly to one side. Clean, pale, purple-blue skin, and delicately chiselled facial features, one might expect a level of confidence she most certainly does not exude. She has a piercing gaze, which is rarely employed, since she shies nervously away from eye contact with almost anyone, particularly strangers and non-draenei. Her speech is melodic, but slow.

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Halya is, and always has been, of a nervous disposition. She's socially inept and is terrified of stepping on people's toes, as it were. She doesn't have any specific outstanding physical traits to explain. She's also very meticulous with her common - she may not realise it, but as a result, she speaks it better than most humans. Well, she speaks it 'properly', at least. She lacks a lot of phrases.

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I like the last two descriptions but am a bit doubtful concerning the first. It doesn't really feel like something you can see while looking at her. That gaze thing and stuff, I don't know, it feels a bit weird. It's a little bit like adding "When someone says something funny she usually laughs and she lies down when she's sleeping.". Something that should be roleplayed out instead, in my opinion.

Other than that I like the idea of her and I am sure many would disagree with my opinions on the description and call me a nit-pick!!

[Jayse]

I always tend to find it a bit off when people state thier character is handsome ect..

I much prefer the angle of describing the character physically and perhaps a little general mannerism that goes without saying in emotes.. (such as speaking style, tone of voice ect..)

Leaving the other characters to determine if they find said character attractive or not. Having said that i'll post what I have for Jayse this 'eve to contribute.

[Saevir]

Saevir
Sage, Councilor

Seeming calm and alert to his surroundings, Saevir can normally be found quietly observing what goes on around him when not speaking. His expression often seem welcoming to those he catch looking at him.

His clothes look well-made and seem tailored specifically for him, though they frequently show signs of wear and tear, as if they have been in use for a long time. He looks of age similar to that of a human in his late thirties.

[Cathee Norris]

Minister Julia Kim Beckjordsson
Minister of Culture. Apprentice of V.R. Astroloxia
Her big blue eyes overall gives her an innocent and inexperienced look. She seems very young, her body still a bit chubby, but seems to slowly develop proper female curves.

Speaks with a Northern accent, however it does sound a bit more refined. Next to always has a pencil tucked behind her right ear.



Saihna Trollbane of Arathi Highlands
'Drake'
Current: Her skin looks thin and pale, and she overall seem as if she's had a sickness that just won't seem to let go.
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Naval blue eyes together with what might once have been dark brownish hair, however which now look more gray then anything. It's a bit hard to put a finger on her exact age, however it is clear this woman is no longer a youth.

Various trinkets can be seen attached to her belt, such as two horns, leather pouches containing different objects. A golden dagger also hangs at her belt.

At her back, she carry her old Arathorian shield, marked with several scratches and dents. Engraved into it, one can read; "Let those that stand with me, do so with pride! For today we will no longer bow to the Klianks! Today we will drive them out of sacred Arathi! Let their frightened cries fill the air, for we shall come to them, with sword and spear!"



Cali Wanja Derianine
Illusion Expert. "The White Witch"
Current: Carries an evil smirk on her lips.
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You might, or might not remember her..

For those that does not, she look like your average human female, only that her hair looks gray through and through while as her face indicate she is not above fourthy as of yet. She also dress, speak and walk in a way you'd expect a wealthy woman to do.



Liaadri Morninglight
Daughter of Eavya
Liaa looks really young for an elven kin, however even if that is so on a closer inspection one could guess that she is actually at the brink of adulthood. However the way she speak with a playful tone near to always, one would not guess such on first impression.

She walk with a natural bounce, and chuckles a lot, her entire essence making it very clear that she loves life and all creatures surrounding her as well.

[Shaelyssa]

Shaelyssa Bladesinger
Warrior of the Night

This ancient night elf walks with a confident and evenly paced stride. Her head is held high with a queen's demeanour as she speaks clearly and eloquently in Darnassian at all times.

She is not heavily adorned in jewelery; instead, she carries her trusted sword, bow and her quiver of arrows with her wherever she goes.

The many scars upon her body tells the tales of many a battle, both great and small, that this ancient sentinel has fought in over the last ten millennia. The most gruesome and vicious of these scars is a large gash that runs across thigh. A strong stench of demonic taint lingers around this ancient wound still.

[Arathoran]

Doraleous Lothar
A handsome young lad, it is clear that he has not been fighting all his life, but you can not take him for being a noble kid, at the looks he seems to be a well trained fighter. His red fair hair shows no signs of old age, and uneffected by demonic taint or fel magic. He usually has a sword and a Lion shield with him.
His spell book, clarifies his profession as a Paladin of the Silver Hand.

[Shaelyssa]

Doraleous Lothar
A handsome young lad, it is clear that he haven't been fighting all his life, but you can not take him for being a noble kid, at the looks he seems to be a well trained fighter. His red fair hair shows no signs of old age, and uneffected by demonic taint or fel magic. He usually has a sword and a Lion shield with him.
His spell book, clarifies his profession as a Paladin of the Silver Hand.

There's one grammatical error in your description: "haven't" should be "has not". And I think you should chop down the first sentence into something like this to make it more understandable:

"A handsome, young lad, it is clear to see that he has not been fighting all his life. However, you do not take him for a noble; by the looks of him, he seems to be a well trained fighter."

Otherwise, a well written description in my opinion! ^^ Good job!

[Shaelyssa]

*bump*

Ana'sutra the Crone

This wizened and shriveled up troll walks with an uneven and unsteady stride, lurching forwards with each jarring step. A walking stick, as old and withered as the troll herself, can be seen clutched tightly in this troll's gnarled and twisted hands. Her head is bowed down and her back is likewise crooked and hunched over with age.

Every single nook and cranny of her shrunken body is covered with some form of crude ornament. Bracelets made of little animal bones can be seen jangling from her wrists and ankles, chains and chains of beads hang from her long, thin neck and her ears droop down several inches, huge and tarnished hoops piercing through the gaping holes that are her ear lobes.

Ana'sutra's facial features are barely distinguishible from the sea of wrinkles that line her face. Her many folds of skin sag down, obscuring her milky and cataract-ridden eyes. Tufts of wispy, gray hair are sprouting out of her face and chin. Her head, on the other hand, is perfectly smooth and bald despite its blotchy and blotted appearence.

[Meralynn / Ashla]

*bump*

Ana'sutra the Crone

This wizened and shriveled up troll walks with an uneven and unsteady stride, lurching forwards with each jarring step. A walking stick, as old and withered as the troll herself, can be seen clutched tightly in this troll's gnarled and twisted hands. Her head is bowed down and her back is likewise crooked and hunched over with age.

Every single nook and cranny of her shrunken body is covered with some form of crude ornament. Bracelets made of little animal bones can be seen jangling from her wrists and ankles, chains and chains of beads hang from her long, thin neck and her ears droop down several inches, huge and tarnished hoops piercing through the gaping holes that are her ear lobes.

Ana'sutra's facial features are barely distinguishible from the sea of wrinkles that line her face. Her many folds of skin sag down, obscuring her milky and cataract-ridden eyes. Tufts of wispy, gray hair are sprouting out of her face and chin. Her head, on the other hand, is perfectly smooth and bald despite its blotchy and blotted appearence.

I like it, I can see the character in front of me when reading it and all, giving me a good impression to act upon. BUT! It is far too long. If you walked around near me and I read your description yu would have been far gone before I was done and could decide if I wanted to involve myself in random RP with you or not.

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