A State of Mind

This will be Timna's thought section, or diary entries (not that she has a diary, but for variation!)

Feel free to come with feedback or interest!

~*~

February 02

I’m changing and I know it.
We all know it. I just don’t want to face it yet.

Getting a ravaged corpse thrown at my face is harsh enough, but I am not sure can stand up and yell yet.
I cannot yell “I am Voidsworn, yet I am the epitome of balance”. It just doesn’t work that way. I don’t function anymore, not like I used to, and I’m scared to show it to people I thought I trusted: this shows a whole different meaning, a new definition of ‘trust’. Will they hurt or will they help is what I ask myself daily.

How long until I snap again?

I’m not sure. I just know and recall clearly what I was told.
“When the urge grows the strongest, find someone nobody will miss”.

Is there really no other way? Have I sunk this low – have I become what I swore never to be?

Will I ever be able to bear it or will it all end like it started – in shackles?

~*~

February 06

I'm hiding. I made my first mistake. I thought I trusted someone, and it turned out I'd just get hurt.

It's happened twice now. Maybe even thrice.
First Vulture... but I was confused, and I didn't have a choice. That wasn't a mistake, that was outright forcing me.

Now Eloresh.
I sent a letter. A plea for help, to straighten out my puzzled self. Someone clear minded that knew me back when I was only me, and someone who wouldn't damn me, my name and my entire existence at a single glance.

So I told him. I beseeched help, but he saw something else. I'm not sure if he only meant well or if he's using me as a means to an end.
A tool to fight against his own surname. The eternal Silversmith.

I hid. I hid and I waited, using what I could to remain hidden. Those who needed to know were told.

However, I made another mistake. My puzzlement overtook me.

I'm not sure of this nameless man's intentions.
I just know I'm in shackles again.

I also know it's the end of the road. It's been two, soon three, years since I got away.
I've decided to step onto my own path, unchanged by those around me.

It's time I take control of my own fate.

~*~

February 08

He wouldn't expect me to return so soon, that's what made me decide to do so. The place where I had been was unsafe, but could be used in emergencies. Just like other areas carefully considered.

I've also realized the law is on my side, regardless of Eloresh's doings. She'll stand by my side, because she needs me. She needs me and my knowledge to understand herself, ironically exactly when I don't understand myself.
I've been told and taught repeatedly that there must be a balance. I suppose that's true; Eloresh is my balance. Perhaps this will help keep me sane after all.

Speaking of sanity. I'm still wondering who he is. The nameless man, that is. He still hasn't told me his name, but he says the one like him isn't here because of me. Because it's all my fault, and only I can show him the way back. He also says he's the only one who can bring him back - because during his stay, the other one can't return. Feelings remain the same between them, but actions are hazy. Is this reality - is it even possible?

He left a cub with me. A nameless cub together with it's mother's milk. I'm sure he killed her, too, and left the cub with me intentionally. It's so sickeningly ironic, that's why.

I'm going to stay safe now. In time I may return to Adenah, to see whether she fears me. Whether she, too, thinks me a monster - an abomination.

What am I turning into?

~*~

February 21

I've learned a lot these past days, more than the Sanctuary ever taught me. Here, too, they let me leave if I so desire.

My respect for that which once seemed forbidden is now far beyond what I could imagine.
It's an odd thought. After all the hatred I've granted him, I now see him as a proper teacher. A mentor. Someone that helped me create... well. Helped me create me. He helped made me who I am today.

It's because of them and him I am alive today, and as I was requested I will fulfill balance within others and myself.
Already I have gotten stronger. Three ferals have died by my hand, quite literally. To be perfectly honest...

It felt... good.

~*~

July 17

It was long since I had a moment to think for myself, without having to voice my thoughts among others. Without being questioned for my every motive. So much has happened.
I felt happy with Falirath, but I suppose it was another falsehood. Solitude's for the best for the likes of me, or so I begin to think. Adarc... I miss him, truly, and not in the sense I miss the company of Falirath. Adarc truly let me be myself, and his brother is like a father to me. I feel at home with the Haidren. I feel strong. I feel courageous!

Time passes though, and I am no longer Timna. I've chosen to become Rayne again, the little girl who blissfully remained herself. The child who could still laugh at silly jokes, or blush at the mention of love. It'll feel... I am not sure how it'll feel getting rid of all these masks. I suspect it'll lessen a burden I carry, at the very least.

Not to mention... I cannot truly grasp my mind around the idea. I'll have to ask him myself. Did my mentor truly see me as a daughter? How... unsettling? No. Confusing. I'll have to ask him myself the next time we speak...

I like the idea of IC journals - interesting for others to get a glimpse of the character, and useful for oneself to sort through complicates times in a character's life. This one is good *nods*

Ooooh. I like it. Looking forward to seeing what'll happen in the future. (Y)

Cleaned it up and added another!